Thursday, 6 July 2017

I am Nikita.

I am Nikita.
I am strong, beautiful and happy... that's how it usually goes right... but this isn't how mine goes.

I am Nikita, I suffer from severe anxiety and self esteem issues. I may appear confident and fine at times but most of the times I am uncomfortable and very shy on the inside.
My anxiety has developed from the self esteem issues and my self esteem issues are from myself being really self conscious of my body.
Yes, I can do something about it but it's not as easy as said done... but wait, it is easy isn't it?
There is so many people telling you different things and there is so many quotes or sayings of this is easy, if you put your mind to it, if you think positive etc etc.
Each and every single person deals with things differently, each and every single person will cope in a different way, each and every single person will experience things differently... we are not identically the same when it comes to our personality and traits.

What does my anxiety do to me?
My anxiety will make me doubt myself, my anxiety will make me flustered, my anxiety will make me feel uncomfortable, my anxiety will make me quiet, my anxiety will make me purposely miss things or be late.
Those who suffer from anxiety will experience anxiety in different ways and for different things. In mine its due to my body image issues.
Ever since I was in primary school I have been a 'bigger' child. Both primary school and high school will eat you alive, it's the worst place to stir up your self confidence. Nothing can be done except for try to educate the children as young as possible to either look after their health or to be kind to everyone of any shape, age, gender, religion etc.
I was the target of many comments made about my body shape and those lists that would go around in high school when the boys would number in order of which girls they would like from first to last would have me close to the bottom. It plays at you something shocking.
I think to myself now why has it been years since then and you haven't changed? but I have changed so everyone keeps telling me. I get told regularly how amazing I'm looking and how well I have done but I don't see it.. I look at myself in the mirror and look at myself in disgust most of the time.
If you were a fly on the wall you would see me pulling at my fat and even at times when I'm really feeling really down on myself you would even see me punching or hitting at my stomach.

For about 10 years now I have been trying to control my weight and be a better me externally. Prior to having Niah I got serious for awhile and focused on myself and feeling better. During pregnancy I stacked a whooping 30kgs+ on, I didn't know better and stopped exercising and took advantage of 'eating for two' and then it took me another 6 months to get back into the swing of things. Having a child certainly does make things a little more challenging as you need to make sure you have a good routine and are prepared, you will need to be more accountable. It has taken me 3 years to get to here and where I am now... I'm down 50kgs and at the lightest weight I've ever been. I don't ever recall being in the 80's even when I was a teenager. The way I feel body wise isn't like where I am at weight wise. I still feel huge and down on myself. I know that I am the only one who can change this.

I am the one responsible for what happens to myself. I am the holder of what happens with my body. I am an emotional eater and that really sucks. If I'm feeling sad I want to just stuff my face with food. I am also really bad with organisation so I will be out somewhere and either not eat or will have to visit a takeaway place and most of the time I'm too lazy to go in somewhere so I'll opt for drive thru.

I look at the photo above of myself and I just seen pain, the huge amount of pain I have been enduring and putting upon myself more recently in the last year. I've had a really tough year and I'm surprised with how I have managed to get up some days and to still be working full time. I take on a lot and I do a lot but that's just how I role, I need to be kept busy as my mind with myself on free time is not a healthy area. I am not suicidal at all as my daughter means the world to me and I wouldn't ever leave her but it leaves me in an unhealthy area where I over analysis and over think.

This isn't a write up for sympathy, this isn't a write up to be gentle with me... this is a realist piece that I'm sure I'm not the only one in a boat like this.
Life is cruel and unkind but I'm fighting, I won't give in nor give up. I will get better and want to get better and I'm hoping that the fire within me grows enough to give me the strength I need to retrain and refocus my mind.

Sunday, 1 January 2017

Speedo Kids Swimwear Review

Sunshine, hot weather, sand, beach, swimming, tanning, BBQs and family time is calling at our doorstep as we move into the beloved summer days. 

With summer days comes the essentials and having the correct bathing clothes are key. 
Speedo fall nothing short of being right on point. 
For us quality is always most important, you want to know that when you pay for something you are getting quality to last its time. 

When in the water there is nothing worse than having swimwear that sags and ways you down, something that we noticed with the Speedo range was that they stayed tight to the elasticity areas without any saggy parts and needing a ring out to get rid of excess water. 
When you feel the material of the Speedo you notice difference, their durable tough but also soft and comfortable on the skin. 
You know how on some written print clothing pieces when you stretch them you can straight away see the cracking of the letters - well I pulled and pulled at the Speedo top and nothing moved, no cracking what so ever. 

As well as the one piece bather suit Niah was also gifted the short sleeve rash top in which came down to the elbows and half way up her neck covering a good amount of skin from the rays. 
The patterns and styles that Speedo comes in for toddlers are cute and stylish with light colours for the kids and cursive cute text to follow. After getting the cute bathers from Speedo we went and checked out the other patterns and styles they had online, that was dangerous as they have soooo many cute colours, styles and patterns to choose from for the little ones and we ended up starting a list of what to get next.

You know how bathers can be all distorted and smelly after visiting the local pools? Well generally we try not to visit them because of the chlorine stench but the chlorine held up really well and didn’t affect the colors or written print at all on the Speedos.

Post swim use they were super easy to clean through a machine wash; stripping them of the chlorine smell and then they dried super-fast that you could almost go again within an hour of line dry time. 

Something that really sold me on the Speedos was that they put an extra strip of material over the zipper part of the material so that the kids aren't having the bare rough zipper rub up on their skin or catching in skin and snagging them. It's really the little things that win you over and in this moment, Speedo definitely has done that. 

I didn't see the big deal about Speedo as a brand before testing them out with Babyology and I can't thank them enough for introducing me to the brand because I don't think I could look elsewhere for quality to compare now. 
We couldn’t compare these to anything higher as Speedo definitely was the highest for quality, comfort and design.

Speedo’s just work and fall nothing short of what they say they will do.

Read more of the review over at the Babyology website.

Disclosure: This post has been made in collaboration with Babyology and Speedo Australia. I received the above pictured Speedo bathers as above mentioned in exchange for its promotion here. I received no payment for this review and all opinions expressed in this post are entirely my own.
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